I’m having one of those days today when I feel like I don’t even have depression at all. It’s an incredible feeling and it’s only emphasised by my memories of not-too-distant days when I couldn’t do anything at all.
A shower and a vitamin
Today, I feel like your average thirty-something-year-old; I’m tired, but not dizzyingly so, and there are no particular barriers between me and the things I want to get done for the day. In fact, I’ve already had a shower and edited a podcast. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a shower without feeling like it was a huge Olympic-level obstacle? Quite a while! But now I’m clean, I’m cosy in sweatpants and I’m getting through my day.
I even took a vitamin with lunch!
And I understand that, to those who haven’t trod through The Great Trench of Depression, taking a vitamin is a really insignificant task. It is, I get it. But it’s not the task that’s significant to me; it’s the fact that I had an inclination to do something for my body, to protect it in some small way. Suddenly, it feels worth protecting again.
Days like today are absolutely fantastic, but I won’t kid myself; they’re also a rarity for someone like me. I’d like to imagine that tomorrow I’ll wake up and still be riding this joyous wave, but I won’t set myself up for disappointment by considering myself to be ‘cured’.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be cured. After my second major depressive spell I woke up one day and just felt better, and that lasted for a long, long time. But the relapses happen every few years. So in the case of my depression, maybe like an addict, I’ll never be ‘recovered’ but instead ‘recovering’. It may not be perfect, but it’s progress.
Making the most of it
I’m going to keep this Confession brief, not because I don’t have anything to say, but because for once I’d rather be doing than writing. I’ve been on a quest for joy and today I’ve caught a glimpse of it. So, onward I go! I’m clearly on the right track.