Sometimes, I feel a barely controllable urge to break free of my body, to scream at the top of my lungs, and today is one of those days. I snapped at Cat, which is the last thing I ever want to do. And even worse, I still haven’t apologised. I just moved on.
Very suddenly, I felt as if the house was suffocating me. Sometimes, it swallows me up with the amount of work and upkeep it requires. Its need for maintenance is far great than the rate at which I can maintain it. And thus, the entire downstairs is in a shambles while upstairs is almost entirely empty.
Despite having three empty rooms at our disposal, we still don’t have a bed or a wardrobe and that has me absolutely debilitated. I know it shouldn’t, but somehow I’m really struggling to move forward. We’ve been living out of boxes, eating off our laps and sleeping on a couch for nine months now. My mom says I could have had a baby in that time. I say, it probably would have been less painful.
I cleaned the kitchen almost entirely before we left for London, but somehow it’s in utter disarray again. And I don’t just mean the dishes, which are indeed piled up and spilling onto the hob. I mean the wades of rubbish and misplaced items I have to dive through to even get to the dishes. It’s no wonder the dishes never get done. Sometimes I just can’t see beyond all the Everything Else That Needs To Be Done.
Feeling utterly defeated by the kitchen, I decided to do the one thing on my ‘to do’ list which would remove me from the house. I went to the bottle bank, which, I’m sure you’ll all agree, is the perfect location for someone inches from letting out a banshee scream.
As I was leaving I said goodbye to Cat and she asked if I was going to pick her up a treat. Already brimming with anger at the state of our house (a collective crime, for sure), I just said no. I pretty much left after that and I definitely should have been nicer. She’s sick, and it’s a cold that I gave her. Plus, she’s working a 9-5 while sick. Meanwhile, all I’m doing is despairing and somehow I’m the one snapping at her. It’s royally unfair and I’ll apologise right now. I should also go out and get her a treat.
I’m feeling a little calmer now that I’ve made some progress in cleaning the kitchen and prepping the dishes for washing (it’s quite the ritual, my dishes-doing), so I’m going to try and maintain these moderately okay feelings for the rest of the day. But I knew writing them down would help.
I apologised and offered to pick up dinner and treats for our video call with our friends later. We’re all good, although I still feel bad. I’ll make up for it with cuddles and clean dishes.