The meds are doing their job, I believe, because today I think my emotional responses are fully on mute. There’s a lot piling up and I know normally this kind of thing would cause an extreme reaction in me. But today, I’m hardly reacting at all. In fact, I feel numb.
Maybe it’s from the cold. Since the surge in heating prices we’ve basically committed to not heating the house but heating ourselves instead. Jumpers, blankets, hot water bottles, that kind of thing. And the dogs have their own fluffy-filled nests to keep them snug and Willow even has some PJs which she refuses to wear.
Money is tight and keeps getting tighter the longer I’m out of work. Cat is working two jobs which means I’m not really seeing her in the evenings until bedtime.
I got a letter today about my application for Disability Allowance and I’m scared that it’s not going to be granted to me. They’ve requested some documents that I just don’t have and I’m not sure how or where to get them. This is absolutely cause for a freak-out because this was my only hope of income for my recovery time but right now I feel like I’m just staring straight into a tornado that’s about to hit with no particularly desire to flee.
It’s not just the money, although that’s a big one.
I’ve also been gradually letting things slip again, and with Cat working an extra job, there’s no avoiding the chaos that is the household chores. Thankfully we still have enough clothes to last us a few more days but the laundry is piling up. The dishes, meanwhile, are fully mocking me.
I’m back to feeling like I don’t know what to do. I feel immobile. Normally, these mounting factors would result in panic, and I can feel it in my body waiting to attack but right now it’s lying dormant under the heavy weight that is drugs and bodily weakness. The mute button won’t hold forever though. I can feel a Big Cry building, even if I’m only experiencing a fraction of my usual feels.
I feel like a shell of myself, like I’m operating my body purely to navigate the world and without any of the internal stuff. And I have to admit, the shell isn’t doing so hot right now either.
I’ve showered today, so the shell is clean, thankfully. But I’ve had a pain in my head for quite a while now, so long that it’s kind of become background. I’m cold, I’m tired and I just don’t feel like any amount of rest or refuelling is going to cover it any time soon.