And so, with a little background covered, today marks the first of my daily mental health diary updates. I say ‘daily’ with great optimism and not an ounce of realism. There’s no way these diary updates will be daily, although I would like to pretend it might be.
Nevertheless, an emotional update is ongoing!
A harder day than yesterday
Today hasn’t been quite the success that yesterday was – not that yesterday was a major win either.
Yesterday I overslept but when I woke up I was full of energy and hope for the day. I stayed in PJs and felt pretty okay as I wrote the rest of my second blog post on all my many college dropout experiences, but I also did some housework and that’s more than I’ve been able for in a long time. Sure, I didn’t shower, but I cleaned up the kitchen, swept the rabbit room, gave the bunnies some playtime and even engaged with another human for ten minutes or so.
A guy from Morgan Doyle’s came by for a recce before fitting our floors. I like him! He’s here now and he’s been nothing but helpful. But despite his likeability, it’s still hard to talk to people. So much of my energy is drained by socialising, no matter how brief the encounter. He’ll be here for the rest of week so that’s going to take up a fair few spoons (do you know the spoon theory? If not, you should. It was created with the idea of explaining energy levels of those living with chronic illness to healthy people. I’m not quite sure it was intended for use by those living with depression, but nevertheless I’ve found it to be a healthy guide).
So yesterday I managed to do housework, write both my novel (barely) and my mental health diary update, engage normally with a human (okay, I was in PJs, but otherwise it was the height of normal) and help Cat clear all of our upstairs belongings into one room so that the other two rooms are free for flooring to go in. Thank goodness for that, I’ve been waiting nine months for this place to become a functioning house.
Today, however, I really really struggled to get out of bed. It felt like fighting through cement to pull myself up and into the shower (yes, I managed to shower today. That might not sound like much of a success to many people, but to me, it’s a big deal). Nevertheless, I did it. I showered, I gave the rabbits water, I did a smidge of laundry, I engaged once more with the flooring guy. Other than that my day has mostly been spent watching TV and eating lunch, and even so I’m still exhausted. I’m disappointed in myself because I had hoped that once I found myself out of work (more on that later) I would be able to snap back into a functioning person. But sadly, no such luck. Everything is still hard, but at least now I’m not letting down employers or teammates.
A modest 'to do' list
My hopes for the rest of the day are modest enough. I’m going to drive to Gorey to pick up litter for the rabbits and get dinner at Burger King for Cat (did you know that there are no Burger Kings in Wicklow? It’s bizarre, and I say that as a firm McDonalds supporter). Other than that, maybe I’ll manage to publish this haphazard runaway train of thought and hopefully I can bring myself to write a sentence or two on Dear Blue. Right now, though, all I want is sleep. Why is being awake so hard?