Today, I had a shower. It was a long overdue shower and I’m delighted to now be clean, but post-shower, I’m now back to bed where I’ve been for the last 36 hours or so.
It's been a minute
Just by a series of bad luck, it’s been a while since I’ve written a Confession. On Friday I didn’t have time because I had to finish my Medium article (which, by the way, was absolutely my worst article yet). I decided it would be wise to give myself the weekends off and then yesterday, Monday, I was sick to my stomach.
It began on Sunday night when I went to bed with a fairly nasty headache. I was also mildly nauseated but that wasn’t surprising because we were watching Dahmer. Then yesterday morning I woke up feeling like I was almost certainly going to vomit at some point.
Thankfully, I managed to stave off the vomiting by just spending the entire day in bed. I was in and out of sleep up until 8PM, at which point the nausea had mercifully subsided and I was just back to headachy. It felt as though I needed to avoid stimuli as much as possible, so I laid in bed while Cat played a video game. I watched when I could and listened when I couldn’t.
It was a pretty rotten day, but these days happen sometimes as I battle my depression. In fact, they happen a lot. But now that I’ve removed some external pressures from my life by taking some time off work, I’m happy to say that these days are happening less and less. The quest for joy continues and little by little, I’m making progress.
Push it
However, on my good days, I am indeed falling into the trap of setting myself too many tasks just because I can. I thrive on feeling accomplished, but those good days when I push myself just turn into the next bad day.
I pushed myself even as recently as last night when I was still lying in bed after having been floored for the entire day. I wrote myself a ‘to do’ list for today, when I presumed I would be fully healthy, and it read a little something like this:
- Write, post and share a Confession
- Work on Project Blue
- Tidy the living room
- Go to the recycling centre
- Pick up ukulele from music shop
- Do dishes (of which there are many)
- Do laundry (of which there is much)
- Devise a new structure for Popcorn Dust podcasts
- Sweep the rabbit room
- Finish building IKEA bed
- Watch a film with Cat
- Record a Hallowe’en episode of Popcorn Dust
- And, of course, shower
After waking up and still feeling a little iffy, I made the wise decision to treat today as a sick day, even though I could probably do more.
So today’s revised ‘to do’ list looks more like this:
- Eat a meal
- Paint my nails
- Read (whatever I want)
- Listen to JBU podcast (if I want)
- Watch an episode of Oxventure (if I feel like it)
- Work on Project Blue* from bed** (*optional) (**mandatory)
- Cuddle whichever animals want to cuddle
- Cuddle my wife whenever she’s available for cuddles
- Write, post and share a Confession (again from bed)
- And, of course, shower
I’m pleased to report that today’s revised agenda is right on track.
