Pictured: a 'to do' list on a smart phone lying on a wrist-watch

My lists have betrayed me

I’ve spent most of today entirely overwhelmed because I tried to sort my errands into ‘to do’ lists for the next three days and there were a lot more items than I was expecting.

I never knew you could have too many lists

I was warned by a few different people not to make too many lists or give myself too many things to do for this exact reason: overwhelming myself and burnout. It seems wrong to call it burnout because that implies I’ve been working intensely, which is pretty far from accurate. I’ve mainly been organising, listening to podcasts, reading, washing dishes and, sure, writing, none of which is too heavy I’m sure you’ll agree.

But yesterday I had a good day. A really good day. An up-early-extra-hours-in-the-day kinda day. I knocked my blog out pretty early, I shared it on Instagram which I’m trying to get into the habit of doing, I did lots of dishes and some personal admin. I got lots done and my energy levels were fairly steady while doing it. So I guess I was mentally gearing up for the next three days to be more of the same. I was expecting myself to hold steady and that’s just not the reality of mental illness.

A scary three-item agenda

As Cat likes to say, “progress isn’t a straight line”. That’s proven to be true time and again, and today has been a little dip in my trajectory. It’s fine though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s fine.

Sure, I didn’t do any housework today and I’m only getting around to writing my Confession now at 7:20PM, but I did accomplish one big thing today. I went outside. It might not sound like much, but I’ve been finding it more and more difficult to leave the comfort of my own nest.

On Cat’s lunch hour we walked over to our local corner-turned-Hallowe’en shop to see if we could source any decorations or maybe a costume for our more agreeable dog. We picked up a few bits and even went to SuperValu to get cashback. The whole trip took about twenty minutes and the entirety of my energy reserves. I found it harder than I can explain, but Cat was happy to get me out of the house. She was also pleased to have some company, as normally she’d have to do this kind of thing alone.

A three-item agenda

Since then I’ve been basically horizontal and trying to fend off midday naps. So far I’ve been successful but bedtime is still three activities away. I have a phone-call with my dad; I have to sweep the rabbit room and empty their little tray and, most harrowingly, I have to build a piece of furniture from IKEA. Yikes, right? I wish I could put it off but we have someone coming to stay on Friday so we desperately need another sleep zone.

Lists have always been a comfort to me, but even with just three items on it, this evening’s agenda is pretty overwhelming. But I guess that’s the nature of this thing we call depression. For now, I’ll just cross my fingers and hope I can make it through ’til bed o’clock.

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